6:00 PM – Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell
6:30 PM – Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM – Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM – Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM – Seminar #1: Iraq Strategies-Voodoo/DooDoo WMD
7:30 PM – First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM – Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM – EPA Address #1: Mercury–It’s what’s for dinner!
8:00 PM – Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your Children!!
8:30 PM – Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM – Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:05 PM – Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM – EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 PM – Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM – Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM – Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM – Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM – Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights” stare
10:40 PM – John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM – Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM – Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM – Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on our Nation’s Economy
11:10 PM – Hilary Clinton Piñata
11:20 PM – Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists: The Dangerous New Cult
11:30 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:31 PM – Blame Clinton
11:55 PM – Laura serves milk and cookies
11:57 PM – Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM – Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord